Comment Wall, Week 5
New W7 edition, view here!: https://sites.google.com/view/literature-in-sites/W5/project-week-7
Old W5/W6:
https://sites.google.com/view/Literature-in-sites/W5
Old W5/W6:
https://sites.google.com/view/Literature-in-sites/W5
Hi Michelle, thanks for sharing your life theme with us, I totally agree! Everyone has the right and capability to choose their own destiny. Although I used a different prompt, I also wrote my project on "About-the-House-Girl." I read it so many times that I feel like I know it pretty well, and I enjoyed reading what you had to say about it. When you mentioned that Patapir's destiny is "most likely to stay there and continue his father's heritage," I wondered, what made you say that? Was there something specific in the text that led you to that conclusion? I was able to clearly understand the point you were making throughout the story, and you related it back to your life as required by the prompt so I think you did very well with that. You did use multiple quotes throughout your writing which was great, and I think you are on the right track to add contextual evidence to support your claims. You’re off to a great start!
ReplyDeleteHi Michelle,
ReplyDeleteWhat a great life theme you have! So many people are dissuaded by obstacles in their life (work, children, financial status, etc.) and think that they can’t follow their dreams. I too saw the theme of determination and love at first sight in About the House Girl and found it to be a great story about going after what you want. One particular scene seemed a little different to me than how you mention it. When Patapir went back after dark to see the two girls, they ran away from him and jumped into a canoe with other men. When Patapir was standing there, another canoe came by with two men in it and asked him to join them. Do you think that if he had not went with those other men and saw Ifapi in her great beauty, his determination to take her as his wife would have been slightly less? I’d love to know if there was something unexpected that happened to you that if it hadn’t, you wouldn’t have chosen the pharmaceutical path. You provide great support for your analysis and I can’t wait to read the next round!
Hi Michelle,
ReplyDeleteI hope my commentary will help in your project. Your thesis seems to be how About-the-House-Girl follows your life theme that you make your own destiny, though it’s not completely clear. You may add a concise, clear thesis into your introduction. You have a good summary of the story, but it doesn’t seem like the story completely supports your implied thesis, when Ifapi returns to her village we learn that it was her destiny to marry the flute player of Rekwoi, which makes it seem that Patapir was following his destiny (that he may not have been aware of) to get her. Would it be possible to tweak the theme with keeping the same meaning to help it align better with your intended thesis? You have a great paper, it has wonderful content and your quotes are great at supporting your point. I hope you find this helpful, I really enjoyed reading your project work.
Thank you for reading,
Corine
Hi Michelle,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading your paper. It's nice to stop reading text-to-text analyses and finally read a text-to-real-life. I liked your introductory sentence. It really grabbed my attention, but i wish i felt the same about the ending. I think the final paragraph needs to be a bit more structured as i felt that it digressed a bit too much. I think that the paragraph links too much with the plot rather than the theme itself. I think yo9u should devote a paragraph somewhere that really dives into the importance and deeper meaning of that theme and how it connects to your life. I also agree with Corine that perhaps "destiny" may not be the right wording. Destiny implies that it was meant to be, that no matter what choices you made, the inevitability is your destiny. What if you changed it to people have to right to chose their paths even if that means testing the waters and changing their minds. I really did find your paper interesting to read and i wish you luck in your further submissions.
Best of luck,
April.
Hey Michelle! I loved that you connected the story “About the House Girl” with a theme in your own life. I thought this was an interesting choice of story to do an analysis since it had quite a few different literary elements. I found the author’s writing style fun, but not so easy to read. I liked your analysis of the story. The story made more sense after reading your essay. One thing I may say that I might change would be this grouping of sentences: “His curiosity is the start of the creation of his own fate. Patapir begins to try harder to meet her, and meets two other young ladies interested in his attention, but he was already focused on her. These ladies may not be the potential object of desire, but without them...” (Karok). Maybe spell out Ifapi’s name since we are jumping back and forth between her and these girls. It is truly hard to write about the girls since we are not presented with the two friend’s names. You did a great job, and I look forward to reading more of your works in the future!
ReplyDeleteHi Michelle! I enjoyed reading your essay, and how you related the stories in the class back to things you've learned in previous classes. That's how you know you have really learned the subject. I think to lengthen your project a little bit, you should add a few more sentences going in a little further about subjects like why it is that Patapir is so deeply in love to quickly, and what it might symbolize. Also, a good project revision editing challenge could be reading the writing in detail, looking for smaller grammar or spelling errors that you may not see at a glance. Overall, your project is impressive!
ReplyDeleteMichelle, first of all I applaud you for your education goals in towards the Health Care field. Keep going and don't stop. I can tell in your words you sound determined. Sometimes determination is all you need to persevere through all the rough times. I have faith in you. Your project you wrote on was on About the House Girl. I really enjoyed that story as well. One thing I missed is what is your thesis? I'm not sure initially what you are trying to write about in this project. Is this a compare/contrast for example. I'm just not sure what the medical connection and what happened in this story has do with one another. Maybe use some references once you get a thesis, to help you reinforce your statement. That helped me tremendously. I was able to use Los Medanos Library and they has eBooks that are available for that would be helpful for your paper.
ReplyDeleteHi Michelle! I enjoy that you were able to relate to Patapir as you were. It was interesting reading about your goals.
ReplyDeleteHowever when it comes to writing an essay, it is best not to be in first or second person, because then your simply giving only your opinion, which unless its a persuasive essay, thats not recommended. I would have also switched your first and second paragraph, because the second paragraph sounded more like your introduction, then your first. I would have also liked to have heard more about the theme, and I think it would have helped if your thesis was clearer, only a suggestion! Good Job!
Hi Michelle,
ReplyDeleteI enjoy reading your project talking about the theme you picked up in "About the House Girl" and also how you personally relate to the same theme with your own life. I agree with Dana about the first two paragraphs. I would change the order of the first two. The second paragraph is about the story, and the first is about the theme you found in the story. To make it easier to understand, I would talk about the story first and then the theme second. I thought the theme you talked about was very good though, and I liked your input on how you were able to relate to it with your own education. Nice job!
-Patrick
Hey Michelle,
ReplyDeleteI'd like to begin by saying that you did a very good job of making it obvious what prompt you were responding to. Most of the posts I have read have left me a little confused and I feel like they need to put the prompt at the top or something, but yours was very clear and that made it a lot easier to read. I really enjoyed reading your project, and I liked your theme of people's decisions affecting their fate. I like the comparison you made between this story and your own life, and it was interesting hearing about your journey and decision making. Like the others, I think that it would be a good idea to describe the plot and themes of the story first, then after that dive into how it compares to the themes in your own life. Other than that, I really enjoyed your project and think you did a great job!
Hi Michelle,
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading your essay. I really liked that you related the story with your own life. It makes it more fun to read. I remember doing "About the House Girl" for my reading notes one week and honestly the author could be a bit ambiguous at times and it was a bit of a confusing story to me. However, after reading your submission I gained a much better understanding. I liked the way you dissected it and made it easy to follow. One thing to improve on could be attacking theme in the first paragraph. Overall you did a great job!
-vanessa
Hi Michelle!
ReplyDeleteI just read your second project submission. I liked how you gave a very brief, but informative overview of the story in your first paragraph. Your thesis at the end of your first paragraph is also clearly defined and easy to recognize. What I enjoyed about your submission was how you found the quotes in the book to support your point, but then you took it a step further and showed how the women were treated in real life. I thought you did an excellent job proving how the story was a reflection of the time it was written.
-Patrick
Hi Michelle! Your first paragraph was awesome at giving a summary of the subject of your project as well as containing a strong thesis. The prompt you chose about historical context was perfect for this story. It is hard to belive that people were punished for wearing clothing of the opposite gender, as in today's society it is totally taboo to think that is wrong. I did like how you pointed out the connection between money and power. Unfortunately it seems to be as true today as it was in that story, that the money and status that you hold has major influence in the way you are treated. Had those girls not been related to their wealthy father's they would have remained in jail. At the end of your project, I thought it was thoughtful that you added how we can look at history and learn from our mistakes. I think the content of your project is pretty solid, so going forward this week I would just focus on editing grammatical errors. Thanks for sharing your project!
ReplyDeleteHey Michelle,
ReplyDeleteGreat job on your second project submission! I really enjoyed this story, probably more than 90% of the reading we have done thus far. I really like your ideas on how society has changed a lot in some aspects, and not as much in others. I, too, found it ridiculous that these girls were actually arrested and brought to a police station for just dressing in boys clothes. It is crazy to think about how our society has gone from this kind of thinking to the pride and women's marches we see today in just 100 years. I personally have taken this kind of thinking for granted because I have been raised to accept everyone for who they are, and only judge people by the way they act, so it is really interesting to see how different the thinking was not so long ago.
I also enjoyed how you discussed that some things, like societal/economic power being able to get you out of trouble, have not changed as much as the treatment of women has. I like that you point out in the end that we should never stop looking t the past as an example of what do do and not to do as well.
Overall I don't have many pointers for you other than fixing a few grammatical errors, great work!
Hi Michelle,
ReplyDeleteI thought you did a great job with this project. Your thesis in your introduction was very clear and you did an excellent job finding quotes to prove it. I really liked your input about how society has changed to where we are today. I didn't read this story this semester, but I really am interested in reading it after your project submission. What I liked most about your project was your analysis of the story. You were able to find the right quotes to back up your claims, and then you explained them. Great job!
-Patrick
Hi Michelle,
ReplyDeleteYour opening paragraph was easy to follow, gave great context on what your thesis is about and captured me so I was eager to continue reading to see how you compare today’s San Francisco with the city from another time. I think your example of gender role and expectations, by way of treatment, was great. I think it would’ve been more completing if you had included a little more of how women are no longer held to such expectations. Your conclusion is great. It wraps up everything neatly and your view and expression of how we have had a lot of progress in society as well as equality, we need to remain cognizant of what those in the not so distant past had to endure and why changes were made. There is still much progress to be made with equality for women. You did a great job on your project!